Up, up, and away! Saying Farewell to Clark.

Max-Landis-Elijah-Wood-Death-And-Return-Of-Superman

It takes a lot to say something as little as “goodbye”. The pain of imminent loss bounces underneath your breasts until you feel blood rushing through all of the wrong valves. Objects become air. Air degenerates into nothing.

This, I believe, is how the collective might of the #apostake feels after clarkherlin blocked us all. We have been blessed by God – who may or may not be a white American space dad – to have met such an individual. Seeing how deeply embedded Mormonism is in this man and what that does to someone serves as a reminder to each of us. It helps us to remember why we left the Mormon Church in the first place. More important, it reminds us why an organization such as the Mormon Church should not be encouraged to thrive and prosper.

The scary part about this person (or persona, depending on whether or not he is, in fact, a troll) is that it is Mormonism at its very best – not worst. Pure faith in Prophets, an artificial love for families, arbitrary bigotry, and a stubborn refusal to admit empirically driven truths are but a handful of reasons why the Church is wrong. What is the real difference between Clark and his leaders? The leaders know the tactful way of voicing horrible or stupid “truths”.

To say proper goodbye to blind Superman, I have iPhone-pic-ked a handful of my favorite tweets from Clark (ones that were not already included in a previous blog):

thru:

Clark2
 
Clark6

 

they:

Clark5
 

You’re a fool not to believe whatever a Prophet writes, even though new Prophets supersede and often contradict dead Prophets:

Clark3
 

Absolutism:

Clark4
 

Clark7
 

Oh, how he weeps!

Clark8
 

Creating an orientation a minority of people are born with…as a weakness to overcome?! Huh?

Clark10
 

Eternal marriage/Sin doesn’t change:

Clark17
 

Clark12
 

Clark9
 
Clark11
 

Dissolve, then:

Clark13
 
Clark14
 

Mormon leaders also have spoken against:

Clark15
 

Agreed:

Clark16
 

Taking a quick break from bigotry in order to assign himself a different imaginary title:

Clark18
 

Certified. Legally binding. True.

Clark19
 

Quick, everyone! A God who has everything needs our help!

Clark20
 

At least he is honest at times:

Clark1

 

The best part about all of these lines is that these are just a few of his tweets from the past week.

Clark may be thru with us, but the question is: are we thru with him?

 

Phichol Medici

In Celebration of Clark

Clark_Kent_004

What can one man in the #Apostake hope to achieve against the might of a Mormon superhero?

Against one who says whatever he is told to say no matter what. One who defies the might of all who believe in common sense and free thinking. One who repeats fixed ideologies that have no relevance to reality.

Today we honor a man who, while not always the most…something – I’m not sure what, at least does not shy away from defending his religion.

@clarkherlin will show ye the error of your ways, O’ fool with little Mormon faith.

The 12 Apostles of Utah?! Actually, there are 15.

clark2

 

Don’t let rattlesnakes. Don’t you dare let them.

clark3

 

It is an independently tested and verified fact that the Mormon God exists. Screw those who don’t agree.

clark4

 

“I made this my rule: When the Lord commands, do it.” – Joseph Smith

clark5

 

Ah, ah, ah!

clark1
 
You’re damn right I’m going to plug my account into this post.

clark6

 

Lol, why would I want to read an unbiased, objective opinion? Just trust the salesman who’s selling the product, silly!

clark8

 
There are, perhaps, thousands more of this stuff, wherever it came from.

clark10

 
But is there hope for Clark? Find out, only on apostake.org!

clark7

 

Phichol Medici

Ages 4 and up.

Mormon_Action_Figures

Brothers and Sisters, I am here today to discuss a most pressing topic.

Mormon Action Figures.

Mormon_Action_Figures

What are we, as a Stake of Apostates, to do about this?

They are going so far as ….fast food toys from the 90s to spread their message. They have really pulled out all the stops.

The real question I have is: Which action should Apostake members buy?

The selection of villains is very limited. Not unlike the selection of non-white Mormon characters. Laman, Lemuel, and King Noah are the only real options and we are not fans of their actions, right?

Perhaps we can make action figures out of fairly well known Mormons who have resigned or become inactive. In the early Church that would include Oliver Cowdery, Ann Eliza Young (an ex-wife of Brigham Young), and Senator Frank Cannon. In Hollywood that would include people like Ryan Gosling, Eliza Dushku, and Ryan Gosling. In government that would include Senator Marco Rubio.
Hell, let us make action figures out of ourselves for all I care.

As long as we can use outdated toys to slyly indoctrinate children into our belief system.

Apostake Fools.

Screw the “ApoStake” movement.

What crazy mentality of ours compels us to persecute the Mormons so? It’s not like we have had bad experiences in the Church. It’s not like we are justly speaking out against a group that wants to ensnare us and the world in nonsense.

Thoughts like that – that all comes from the Mormon Satan! The same Mormon Satan that Joseph Smith created, the man who was trying to sell his religion a few centuries ago.

It’s not like religion has a major impact on the world or anything. We should not waste our time spreading awareness about harmful cults or anything of an intellectual slant.

Let us sing about dead people instead.
At the very least, we can delve into Christian Native American warrior stories time and time again.

Mormons just want to spread love and make life better. So why are we quick to refuse their advances?

We should follow the will of the American Mormon God, as spoken through the mouths of those that hail from The Utah. What possible reason could they have to lie to us?

No other cult, religion, or organization has ever had charismatic white leaders that have misled interested parties. A Prophet will not lead us astray! Mormon scripture itself testifies of this – how could it be erroneous?!

I implore each and every one of the ApoStake to lay down their intellectual arms and join the Mormons in their assimilation goals.

Submit.

As President Hinckley said, “When life becomes too hard to stand, kneel”. We should all suspend our individuality and freedom, choosing instead to lean upon Mormon leaders.

The only way Planet Earth will live up to its full potential is if everyone joins hands in sustaining the 19th century American Prophet Joseph Smith and his Bible sequels.

We should give, yea, even to the Church of all goodness and light. We should lust, yes, but lust in a manner that pleases the American Jesus, as he leers at us in our private hours. We should use tobacco, okay, but only for cattle and stuff.

Science has proven this Church is correct, every step of the way.
Don’t…don’t ask me how. Just believe and…shut up. No questions. Or ask questions that don’t involve doubt, but only get you more interested in the Church.

I leave these things with you in the name of

 

Phichol Medici

History of the Apostake

To add to why I am giving up on the Apostake, allow me to summarize the tumultuous history that has propelled us backward.

The Apostake was founded in 1993. Earlier that year, I met Senior Journalist “Joseph Smith” (whose name shall remain a mystery on purpose) at a diner in Chicago. We had both served missions in far away lands that left an indelible mark on each of us. There was good and bad we felt in our hearts. While we knew that God lived, we could not figure out if He supported Mormonism.

After our mission, we guided other missionaries towards righteous paths: that of marketing the Church wherever and whenever possible. We encouraged them to not shut up about Joseph Smith and if they weren’t allowed to do so, to wait creepily and patiently for the right day. Soon our faith fell apart, however, leading us to add new founding members such as Mo’Bugger, C. Willard Smoot, and Good Godless Gal. They opened our eyes to the truth and we pressed on ever since.

Soon, we had converted thousands of Methodists, Baptists, Quakers, and Buddhists to our cause. I believe there were a few disillusioned Branch Davidians in there as well, but mostly it was the aforementioned parties who met our gaze.

The more we pondered and meditated, the more we grew – as a community, as a council, as friends.

My body of work was the First and the Greatest in the Apostake. I was able to lease the Holy Spirit itself for a time, after paying the True Church ample money to do so. Since they only really care about money, this was feasible very quickly.

Today, we have physical locations throughout two Canadian provinces (British Columbia, Ontario) and eight different states (Utah, Texas, California, Florida, Maryland, Ohio for some reason, Washington, and Nevada). Florida was the first bit of land we captured, as it was suitable for all areas of retirement.

After Florida, we were pushed away and hated by many nations (nations, in this case, meaning states). Leaders misled members into thinking they would be protected. Instead, they led us to be killed, tarred and feathered, and shot. A few shot others in some mountain-y meadow-y area. Many innocent members starved to death. Poverty was created. Sexism was expanded upon. I married too many women and, as much comfort as that gave me initially, that wore me out.

Such are the natural consequences of abandoning Mormonism. Nevertheless, we persevered forward with the hope that we would one day encompass the whole world.

Our cause continued to build its flame at an exponential rate. We aspired to be more than any man could be, but mainly we hoped to expose the Mormon Church for what it was.

Then the dark days came.

A once united and proud people split up into many different sects. I was the first to quit and gave a rousing campaign speech for others to join me. Only one did and that was Joseph Smith, out of pity. There were hundreds of other breakaway groups within the Apostake. The Restored Body of the Apostake, The United People of Reason, The Reorganized Apostake of Latter-days, and many others.

Much bloodshed and betrayal ensued, reducing our followers to a shadow of what existed before. Some of us killed each other. Others tried to stand up to the Mormons with arguments, rather than violence. Some bled out through their ears after listening to so much stupidity.

The men and women who survived lost trust in each other and took to Twitter, as meeting in person now became a repulsive thought. The remaining Apostake members are now persecuted, disorganized, and generally scattered in the wind. Soon, others will be reconverting to Mormonism, leaving the Apostake, or having their reputations destroyed en masse.

Best of luck to the fools who wish to stay.

 

Phichol Medici