History of the Apostake

To add to why I am giving up on the Apostake, allow me to summarize the tumultuous history that has propelled us backward.

The Apostake was founded in 1993. Earlier that year, I met Senior Journalist “Joseph Smith” (whose name shall remain a mystery on purpose) at a diner in Chicago. We had both served missions in far away lands that left an indelible mark on each of us. There was good and bad we felt in our hearts. While we knew that God lived, we could not figure out if He supported Mormonism.

After our mission, we guided other missionaries towards righteous paths: that of marketing the Church wherever and whenever possible. We encouraged them to not shut up about Joseph Smith and if they weren’t allowed to do so, to wait creepily and patiently for the right day. Soon our faith fell apart, however, leading us to add new founding members such as Mo’Bugger, C. Willard Smoot, and Good Godless Gal. They opened our eyes to the truth and we pressed on ever since.

Soon, we had converted thousands of Methodists, Baptists, Quakers, and Buddhists to our cause. I believe there were a few disillusioned Branch Davidians in there as well, but mostly it was the aforementioned parties who met our gaze.

The more we pondered and meditated, the more we grew – as a community, as a council, as friends.

My body of work was the First and the Greatest in the Apostake. I was able to lease the Holy Spirit itself for a time, after paying the True Church ample money to do so. Since they only really care about money, this was feasible very quickly.

Today, we have physical locations throughout two Canadian provinces (British Columbia, Ontario) and eight different states (Utah, Texas, California, Florida, Maryland, Ohio for some reason, Washington, and Nevada). Florida was the first bit of land we captured, as it was suitable for all areas of retirement.

After Florida, we were pushed away and hated by many nations (nations, in this case, meaning states). Leaders misled members into thinking they would be protected. Instead, they led us to be killed, tarred and feathered, and shot. A few shot others in some mountain-y meadow-y area. Many innocent members starved to death. Poverty was created. Sexism was expanded upon. I married too many women and, as much comfort as that gave me initially, that wore me out.

Such are the natural consequences of abandoning Mormonism. Nevertheless, we persevered forward with the hope that we would one day encompass the whole world.

Our cause continued to build its flame at an exponential rate. We aspired to be more than any man could be, but mainly we hoped to expose the Mormon Church for what it was.

Then the dark days came.

A once united and proud people split up into many different sects. I was the first to quit and gave a rousing campaign speech for others to join me. Only one did and that was Joseph Smith, out of pity. There were hundreds of other breakaway groups within the Apostake. The Restored Body of the Apostake, The United People of Reason, The Reorganized Apostake of Latter-days, and many others.

Much bloodshed and betrayal ensued, reducing our followers to a shadow of what existed before. Some of us killed each other. Others tried to stand up to the Mormons with arguments, rather than violence. Some bled out through their ears after listening to so much stupidity.

The men and women who survived lost trust in each other and took to Twitter, as meeting in person now became a repulsive thought. The remaining Apostake members are now persecuted, disorganized, and generally scattered in the wind. Soon, others will be reconverting to Mormonism, leaving the Apostake, or having their reputations destroyed en masse.

Best of luck to the fools who wish to stay.


Phichol Medici

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